Laying on the couch in the suite's commonroom, I looked at my phone, "A half hour should be good." I set the alarm for 4:30 a.m and proceeded to put my hood up and shield my eyes from the overhead light. I tossed and turned on the little couch for a few minutes before going over and turning off the commonroom lights. I laid back down, motionless for several minutes, just staring at the spackled ceiling. A million thoughts must have been barreling through my mind at that point but one thought reoccurred again and again, "What the hell am I doing? It's a Sunday night, I'm 19 years old, and I've been staring at facts about bacteria for the past 4 hours." For some, a question like this means nothing. A little complaining and the idea dissolves like sugar in a cup of coffee. For me, things are a bit different. Worries don't brush off, they don't roll off, they actually form a think bubble and follow me around for weeks on end. My natural instinct is "I have to get out." It started when I was younger. I would always try everything and when I would get that feeling like "this isn't for me" I would try something else.
Laying on that couch at 4:00 in the morning, I started to think of other professions I might want to pursue. "I could be a teacher, maybe even a journalist. Is this Physician Assistant thing really worth it?" I thought to myself as I stared into the early morning blackness.
When I started writing this blog, I was going to end it with..."This is going to be the first thing I have ever finished, right down to the end." Instead, I'm rethinking that, big surprise there. So as of right now I'm still thinking, always thinking.
Cheers,
Bhoov
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